WEATHER ALERT: Severe Mayonnaise Storm Predicted After Annual Mummers Parade
The first significant storm of 2016 is looking more and more likely as a massive cloud of mayonnaise has formed over Philadelphia following the city’s annual Mummers Parade.
Experts predict that the storm will be severe into early next week, and that the Mummers Parade is once again to blame.
“Whenever you have a large crowd like this that’s almost exclusively garbage white people, the development of a mayonnaise storm is always a risk,” said local meteorologist Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz.
“Tens of thousands of people were packed into tight bleachers on Broad Street, to say nothing of the thousands of parade participants. With that amount of mayonnaise evaporating from the skin and condensing in cloud form, the storm could be very dangerous,” he added.
The storm is expected to begin near the intersection of JFK Boulevard and Broad Street and continue south on Broad Street for several miles. The falling mayonnaise could be accompanied by heavy wind gusts, and icy road conditions could arise if the temperature falls low enough to melt mayonnaise.
Before the annual Mummer’s Parade, which has drawn criticism in recent years for a lack of racial inclusiveness, it was unclear whether a mayonnaise storm would result from the event. However, experts say that a predominately white event that featured sombrero-wearing dancers dressed in brown-face and an elaborate transphobic performance sealed the deal.
The Finnegan New Year’s Brigade based their act around mocking Caitlyn Jenner’s gender identity while Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like A Lady” played in the background.
“To say nothing of the act, the Aerosmith on repeat alone injects a dangerous amount of mayo into the storm system,” Schwartz said.
“It really doesn’t help that some of these garbage mayo adults brought their garbage mayo children into the act as well,” he added.
Since the storm falls during Philadelphia’s Mayoral transition from Michael Nutter to Jim Kenney, the two are keeping an eye on the storm together.
A spokesman for Jim Kenney’s office said that if driving conditions became dangerous enough, schools, public offices, and courts would all be closed.
The spokesman said that they consulted with officials from Tampa, Florida, who were overcome by a devastating mayonnaise storm after Mitt Romney’s 2012 Republican National Convention speech.