Philadelphia Marathon Sunday: Everything You Need To Know

The Philadelphia Marathon is just two days away. By this time on Sunday, the Center City and Benjamin Franklin Parkway areas will be scoured with runners and spectators for both the marathon and half marathon events.

Need to know anything about the race? We’ve got you covered! Below you will find everything you need to know about the Philadelphia Marathon. Best of luck to you and yours!

When is the Philadelphia Marathon?

The Philadelphia Marathon is this Sunday. We already told you that. How needy could you possibly be? People have gotten by for generations without articles like this that conveniently tell you everything you need to know, but alas, you need this super easy walk through of even the most basic information about the race. Figure out when it starts for yourself.

Where is the start and where is the finish?

The race starts at 22nd Street and Benjamin Franklin Parkway. It ends inside the Philadelphia Museum Of Art by the Audubon To Warhol exhibit. Racers beware: have your money ready for the Art Museum’s entry fee. You can cut crucial minutes off of your time by getting into the art museum as quickly as possible.

If my loved one passes away during the race, what should I do?

Oh, man. I can’t even imagine your pain. The first thing you should do is report to the applicable medical tent to say goodbye to your loved one’s physical remains for one last time. Next, I’d take a deep breath and try to find just one brief moment of solace in the fact that your loved one died doing something admirable; something that they loved. The fact that somebody you cared for perished in pursuit of his or her goal may provide you with a scintilla of comfort in the wretchedly painful decades to come.

Where can I park my car?

There are some parking garages available in the city, as well as some parking spots in other places.

When can I pick up my bib information?

To claim your race packet and bib, report to the Pennsylvania Convention Center either before 9 p.m. on Friday or 7 p.m. on Saturday. If you don’t do this, all of that training will be pissed down the drain. Right down the fucking drain. What a disappointment that would be!

If I run well, will my wife come back?

No, for several reasons. First, she left you for reasons that stem far beyond your personal fitness level and ability to set goals. Second, she won’t be coming back because she won’t even know that you are running this race. This is because she is better than you and thus has better things to do than watch a marathon. Third, even if she did know you were running a marathon this weekend, she wouldn’t fucking care, because it’s not all that impressive. It’s not as if some pictures of you jogging in goofy clothing next to some fuckwad dressed up as the Philly Phanatic and a mother pushing a stroller is going to bring back the magic you lost in the bedroom all those years ago. Give it up, and don’t try and define your marathon performance on whether or not it saves your failed marriage. It won’t end well for you.

Where can I go to the bathroom during the day?

For runners – anyone who runs a marathon has fantastic smelling farts and delicious tasting shit. Just go to the bathroom in your own hand, and then eat it.

For spectators, there will be Porta Potties in the Eakins Oval area, as well as at all 14 water stops along the course. For more information on each water stop, obtain a course map before the start of the race on Sunday.

Where can I stand and cheer?

It’s a 26.2 mile race that stays within the city confines of Philadelphia. Just go somewhere, they’ll pass by at some point.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Good question. You presumably need all of this information for one of two reasons. One, you are running the marathon, in which case: what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how much this shit is going to hurt, say, 17 or 18 miles into the race? When you get to that point, and all you want to do is lay down and be gently kissed by death, you’ll still have 8 miles to go. That is not fun at all. Not only will the race suck, but the last several months of your lives have also likely sucked. How many happy hours did you skip for training runs? I’m guessing you’ve been watching your diet too? Cutting back on the drinking and fatty foods? It’s no way to live. You need help. Serious mental help. Check yourself in to a facility as soon as possible, preferably a long term inpatient program that can correctly diagnose and treat your mental health needs.

Two, you might need this information because you are coming to watch the race on Sunday. This is even worse. You don’t get the bragging rights that a marathon finisher will have by the end of their race. You won’t get the personal fitness benefits of the training and race preparation. Despite not benefiting from any of that, you’re still there. You’re still stuck for hours in a clusterfuck of mainly douchebags with god awful signs, cowbells, and t-shirts with dreadful grainy pictures of their loved ones ironed on. For every one douchebag runner, several douchebag friends and family members will be present. It’s like a giant family tree of douchebags, and you’re voluntarily placing yourself right in the middle of it all. Getting anywhere sucks. Everything is expensive. You have to wake up well before the sun comes up to get there by the start of the race, and by the time you leave, your favorite football team will likely already be playing. All this to see your favorite runner once or twice for just a moment while yelling out some cliched nonsense. “Run faster! Give it your all!” If you’re going to watch a marathon, I’m surprised your I.Q. is even high enough to understand these words. You should be involuntarily committed to an asylum immediately for, at a minimum, several fucking years.

Enjoy the race, everybody!